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Mary Fiala

she/her | comedian and writer | chicago

staff writer at the Chicago Genius Herald, producer of Gay For Pay: A Queer Variety Hour

My Latest Work

Chicago Genius Herald •

City Expands St. Paddy’s Dye To All of Lake Michigan

LAKESHORE – Chicago’s foremost Drinking Holiday is upon us, and the city is one-upping the classic river dyeing to a grand scale. Tourists and locals alike have long marveled at the seemingly magic transformation of the river into something resembling the Emerald Isle, but they expanded this year’s tradition to the entirety of Lake Michigan.

“Everyone expects the river to be dyed green, it’s become old hat,” Martha Larchmont, 48, City Holiday Ambassador, told our reporters. “What they could nev
Chicago Genius Herald •

Woman Misplaces Boyfriend, Accidentally Brings Home Another Man With a Mustache and Chicago Flag Tattoo

AVONDALE – Disaster struck today in this trendy neighborhood, and not because the local bodega was out of Zyn Wintergreen Pouches. Local resident, Amanda Birchnell, 34, accidentally took home a different man from Cermak.

“Look, in my defense,” Birchnell, who is being charged with Circumstantial Kidnapping and Stereotyping, “my boyfriend looks exactly like most of the men in Chicago.”

Seemingly created in bulk in Wicker Park, the Chicago Boyfriend can be spotted at every Music Box premiere or l
Chicago Genius Herald •

Foxtrot and Dom’s Merge, but Aren’t Renaming to “Domfox”, Furry Chicagoans Outraged

CHICAGO – Foxtrot Market and Dom’s Kitchen & Market have announced plans for combining their two brands into one entity. The Chicago furry community however, is left wanting more, as they so often are, upon realizing that the new consolidation won’t be dubbed ‘DomFox.”

When this joining of posh grocery royalty was announced to the general public, most Chicagoans didn’t bat an eye, because they can’t afford to shop at either Foxtrot or Dom’s anyway. But a select number of opinionated midwest fur
Chicago Genius Herald •

Woman Crosses Her Arms When Delayed Train Finally Arrives To Show She’s Disappointed

IRVING PARK – This past Thursday, longtime Chicago resident Cassidy Madison, 38, was seen standing at the Brown Line platform, shaking her head with disgust and pointedly pointing at her imaginary watch. “It helps to demonstrate with the trains that they’ve let you down. Once I was waiting 47 minutes for a train, and it felt good to just cross my arms and give them a scowl.” Madison relayed to our team. “Sometimes, when I’m really fed up I tap my foot angrily. While it doesn’t make the train arr
Chicago Genius Herald •

How Come Everyone Wants to Talk About The Air and Water Show but Not My One Man Show At The Annoyance?

Sure, planes are pretty cool. Of course, boats can take you from place to place on water, which is nice and all. But why is everyone in Chicago just talking about those dumb machines, and not about my groundbreaking new one man show at The Annoyance. It’s running every 3rd Tuesday night at 11pm, and tickets are only $25 a pop.

It’s like, okay right, we can marvel in these engineering wonders. It’s nice that we’ve been able to build things to scoff at God's flaws in the human body. But my show a
Chicago Genius Herald •

Woman Having Good Day Until Realizing There’s a Cubs Game

LAKEVIEW –- For local woman, Estella Marco, 41, the day started off like any other Chicago summer morning. A cool 87 degrees with 99% humidity, Estella stepped over the rat droppings in her alleyway and took a deep breath of that fresh smoke filled air, her heart filled with hopes of a calm and peaceful Thursday.

“It was a morning like any other,” Marco detailed to our team of reporters. “At first, I didn’t think anything of the High Noon cans littering the sidewalk. Then I saw one man in a Cub
Chicago Genius Herald •

Logan Square Attempts to Top Last Years “Horny” Farmers Market by Rebranding as “Sex Central”

LOGAN SQUARE – Last summer, Logan Square’s historic farmers market was granted the spotlight when they became infamous as “The Horny Farmer’s Market.” In order to raise the bar this upcoming season, they’re going full um, balls-to-the-wall, and just calling themselves “Sex Central.” Which is the shortened version of the initial rebrand, “Nonstop Local Suck and F*ck Fest.”

“We had some fun with leaning into our flirty reputation,” Briar Carsen, 32, Marketing Manager of the LSQFM, revealed to our
Chicago Genius Herald •

To Honor 4/20, City Tie-Dyes River

RIVER NORTH – While most holidays in Chicago are celebrated with a dozen Old Styles and public displays of raucousness, this Thursday, residents are planning a much more low-key way to alter their state of consciousness. Reports from city officials confirm that in efforts to promote an occasion that leads to less barf on the sidewalk, and uptick in convenience store snack sales, they’re getting creative with it. This 4/20: they’re tie-dyeing the Chicago River.

“Everyone loves when we dye the ri
Chicago Genius Herald •

Oscar Awarded to The Bus Driver Who “Didn’t See You” Waiting at Stop

CHICAGO – In a surprising turn of events, last night's 95th Annual Oscars Ceremony honored CTA employee Stan Wyatt, 63, with the award for Best Actor. According to Academy voters, Wyatt’s portrayal of a bus driver who “didn’t see you at the stop” has earned him the coveted award. This is a shocking choice for a program usually committed to lining Maggie Smith’s home shelves.

It’s this method of trickery that Wyatt studied as a student of bus driver school. “People will say, oh, it must be easy
The Broadway Beat •

​​Local Woman Horrified to Learn That Sex is Real and Not Just Made Up by SPRING AWAKENING

CHICAGO – Amanda Larson, 23, has been gagging uncontrollably for hours, and NOT in a sexy way. She recently saw a local production of Spring Awakening, and while she thoroughly enjoyed her experience in the theater, it wasn’t until she returned to her day-to-day life that revelations from the show began to tear down the fabric of her reality.

“This has to be a joke, right? Sex is something people actually do in real life?” Larson asked as she pleaded with our reporters, sweating heavily. “I was
Chicago Genius Herald •

To Improve Pedestrian Safety, City Urges Residents to Go Full “Bubble Boy”

BUCKTOWN – Reckless driving has caused an uptick in pedestrian injuries, and Chicagoans are begging officials to put some change into action. Instead of the pesky task of implementing traffic control and asking auto- owners not to Wordle and drive, the city went a more defensive route.

Partnering with Big BubbleWrap, Chicago aims to put a stop to human and car collisions by manufacturing custom plastic orbs for everyone to safely bounce down the street. “Yes, the corporate sponsorship pushed ou
Chicago Genius Herald •

The Best Valentine’s Date Locations in Chicago that Are Just Parking Lots Of Byron’s Hotdogs

BUENA PARK – Chicago couples know that the number of places to take your boo-thang on Valentine’s Day can be overwhelming. So we’ve compiled a helpful guide for all cuddlers and canoodlers to make sure the most romantic day of the year goes off without a hitch.

Picture it: A folding card table that has legs of all different heights. A dollar store tablecloth that you have to keep from blowing away by weighing it down with parking lot rocks. A Byron's employee shakily roller skates over to your
Chicago Genius Herald •

Chicagoan Not Sure if It’s Debilitating Social Anxiety, or if They Just Have to Take Two Buses to Get There

LOGAN SQUARE – Anxiously double checking the tracker app. Sweaty palms grasping hold of the cord to indicate the next stop. Crossing four lanes of traffic to wait in the cold for a bus that may or may not arrive. The wind cuts through your coat as you shiver in the street. Is it worth the 45 minute catch-up over beers?

Sloan Cameron, 34, has been stewing on an invite for the past few weeks now. One friendly obligation to grab drinks with an old friend from college is sitting in their Google Cal
Chicago Genius Herald •

Local Man Balances Being Supportive of Comedian Friends, Never Actually Having to Attend An Improv Show

LAKEVIEW– Being friends with improvisers is an unavoidable condition that plagues almost every Chicagoan. Some quickly burn out, trying to be supportive of their pals by shilling out $10-20 every weekend, but it’s just not sustainable. Some city-dwellers are desperate for any other option, and we found a guy who believes he’s found the solution.

“It’s a fine balance,” Sam Blackstone, 32, explained. “There’s a delicate coordination to still seem proud of your friends for following their dreams,
The Broadway Beat •

Five Ways to Achieve the Confidence of a College Student Cast as Jesus in "Jesus Christ Superstar"

In times like these, why not search for scraps of self-assuredness anywhere you can? With these five easy tricks, you’ll strut your stuff with the swagger of a junior tenor who thinks he’s God’s gift to the theater.

Walk into every room as though you’re the titular character in a steampunk-inspired reimagining of Andrew Lloyd Weber’s loudest work. You’ll soon be on top of your game faster than you can say “messy messiah complex.”

Stand like Jesus being crucified for five minutes every hour. Ev
Chicago Genius Herald •

City Paints Bike Lanes Into Hopscotch Trails Just for Fun

BUCKTOWN – In a controversial choice for bicycle safety in a city where you’d be much safer walking across 8 lanes of highway blindfolded than attempting to bike down Ashland at any time of day, chalk muralists have been tasked with creating elaborate and intricate hopscotch trails for the poor saps unfortunate enough to bike in Chicago.

“A bit of whimsy is just the thing our city needs,” Head of Chicago Transportation Safety, Ellaine Cannon, 56, declared to our reporters. “Bikers know by now t
Chicago Genius Herald •

Andersonville Woman Devastated to Learn La Colombe Isn’t a Local Mom and Pop

ANDERSONVILLE — Shelby Croslen, 43, was having one of the worst days of her life. It started out like any other Saturday. Baggu bag stuffed with library books, custom RBG mask secured, and Chacos on her feet, she felt ready to enjoy her weekend morning routine of “living large while shopping local.” Her words. Stolling up Clark, the wind in her hair, Croslen congratulated herself on being so much better than all those people that shop at Am*zon.

Then, the unthinkable happened. Idle chit-chat by
Chicago Genius Herald •

Locals Declare Chicagoland Better Than Chicagoworld

CHICAGO — With California projected to soon sink into the Pacific Ocean and Florida turning into a respite for mosquito-kissing bigots, the people of this great country needed a new amusement park, and fast. Thus, Chicagoland was born. The tourism board of the city found it easy to convert a series of abandoned Bubba Gumps in Glenview into the site for the newest theme park attraction in the Midwest.

“Luckily for us, all the local cuisine of this city is already marketable as weird amusement pa
Chicago Genius Herald •

Chicago Woman Emotionally Prepares for the “Mean Teens” of Lollapalooza

They will cut you down to your core faster than you can say preventable nicotine addiction.

Hoards of teens armed with devastating remarks and unhinged fashion choices will soon flood the streets of Chicago. The percentage of High Noon cans littering the street will increase exponentially, as well as the sheer amount of emotional damage dealt by Gen Z. They’ll judge you for age, your haircut, and for not knowing the lyrics of the songs by rock duo “Wet Leg.”

Kat Montrose, 35, is a native Chica
Chicago Genius Herald •

Lincoln Park Woman Bravely Admits She Doesn’t Like Poodle Mixes

LINCOLN PARK – Darby Peterson, 34, loves almost everything about her Lincoln Park neighborhood – pristine townhouses, elegant restaurants, high-end boutiques selling mugs that shout Dog Mom, Girl Boss, or Mommy’s Sippy Cup (sometimes all three at once). There's just one thing about Lincoln Park which makes her feel meh, and it’s not the rap punk hybrid band connotations.

“Everyone in this neighborhood has a freaking poodle-mix,” Peterson lamented to our senior writer, who, after this interview,
Chicago Genius Herald •

As Pride Month Ends, City Bids Farewell to Gay Chicagoans

BOYSTOWN — Chicago City Ordinance dictates that each July 1st, every member of the LGBTQIA+ community must return back from whence they came, dragging their boas behind them. “You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here,” says an exhausted, overglittered, allied-out city.

It’s a Chicago tradition that sits alongside quirky little Windy City things like left turns on red, no ketchup on hot dogs, and beer available at all hours of the day, in every type of establishment.

Our reporters dug
Chicago Genius Herald •

Local Actor Getting the Feeling He’s the Only One Left Who Hasn’t Booked Chicago PD, Med or Fire

CHICAGO – Local Actor Craig Parson, 36, has been getting pretty fed up. He’s auditioned on 45 separate occasions for bit parts on the long-running One Chicago franchise, to no avail. He urged our reporters at Genius Herald to provide him with the platform to air his grievances, and since we had nothing better to do, we decided to humor him.

“I have a theater major from Northwestern, did a summer program at Steppenwolf, and studied clowning with Commedia Dell’Arte experts in Italy only to be tol
Chicago Genius Herald •

CTA Finally Confirms Suspicions That Craning Your Neck to See if the Train Is Coming Makes It Go Slower

CHICAGO — Many Chicagoans' worst fears were confirmed when a recent study sponsored by the Chicago Transit Authority showed that yes, if you are impatient for your train to arrive more quickly, the last thing you should do is look for the train. Conclusive data has shown that the merest glance toward the tracks will initiate an instant decrease in speed. If you look twice, the train might even go backwards.

“CTA trains are much like small dogs with shy bladders,” Stephanie Gomez, 44, train beha